Monday, July 7, 2014

"Endless Appetizers" Mark Beginning of Our Collective National Suicide

"Endless Appetizers" Mark Beginning of Our Collective National Suicide 

Though famine still takes its toll on the unfortunates across the sea, the greatest nation in the world has transcended such concerns. Here, our Statue of Liberty's upraised torch beckons with the message: In America, our appetizers are endless. 

In a bid to have its logo engraved on Mount Rushmore alongside our nation's other greatest heroes, indistinguishable flair-bedecked roadside dining hut TGI Fridays is now offering "endless appetizers" to you, the consumer, for the meager sum of $10. For less than the price of a single appetizer at a "good" restaurant, TGI Fridays will allow you, the consumer, to consume an unlimited amount of the following foodlike items: Loaded Potato Skins, Pan-Seared Pot Stickers, Mozzarella Sticks, Garlic & Basil Bruschetta, Tuscan Spinach Dip, Boneless Buffalo Wings, Crispy Green Bean Fries. 

(For those of you not versed in fine dining lingo, that is: Potato Bacon Cheez, Fried noodle pockets, fried cheese, grease bread, cream cheese dip, chicken fingers, and fried fry.) 

For the price of a dime bag, TGI Fridays employees will reheat these items, place them on a machine-washed plate, and deliver them directly to your table, until such time that you instruct them to cease doing so. Furthermore, TGI Fridays chief marketing officer Brian Gies assures USA Today that the restaurant's employees will not call the police on you should you choose to order a single order of "Endless Appetizers" and then share your endless appetizers with your broke, deadbeat friend, Taylor Berman:

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